| I asked Ben, last night (really, easrly this morning) why such had bad things happened to so many people in his old college group. (It both was and was not rhetorical.) Tonight, talking to my Gramma, I wondered why my family seemed to be a long history of not very happy people. And then I realized... I wasn't asking the right question.
Why doesn't anyone notice that something is wrong? Has been wrong?
It's all too common to find that a person in my family was liked by nearly no one, had no friends for too long, has difficulty moving and settling in. There are some success stories -- I swear Kira, Ellen and Jayme could make fast friends with a brick wall, but that's neither here nor there. The vast majority of us don't seem to harbor much of an opinion of ourselves, don't have a high opinion of other people (some of us make Hobbes look optomistic) and we stick out. Not in a good way.
It's not that I don't like weird people, or have a healthy respect for a dollop of weird... but a family of generally unliked people is kind of strange. It's not the outside world, people... (Granted, there are things wrong with the outside world, but we're the problem I think, not it.) It's even in the family history outside of memory. This bizarre combination of education and overwhelming unlikability. I accept that we are some variety of Other. That's obvious and undeniable. The Other that exists will ALWAYS stuggle.
But do we have to keep up with the past?
One side of my family is a Matriarchy. The other side is a Patriarchy. Regarding my paternal side; Uncle K, who had girls, married into a matriarchy and apparently accepted whatever status that left him with. Dad married into a matriarchy, and has I think, grown to regret the decision. Aunt S married into a patriarchy and I think enjoys having the only boy baby. I feel sorry for my coz. No pressure there.
Regarding my maternal side -- Uncle S married into a matriarchy and was effectively disowned for years for having "left" his mother. My aunts married into matriarchies. My mother married into a patriarchy. Now, the matriarchy is ..... complex. Suitablity determines worth, and this is not suitability to be a woman, but suitability to be the next matriarch. My grandmother's apple never chose to have children. The one girl (my mother) that did, was rendered unsuitable due to ADHD, but her daughters were eligible. My sister does not mind children, and I muchly do. (In fact, I am intensely bothered by babies. I find them neither cute nor desirable. i particularly despise being touched by them. Children, however, can be amusing. I like teenagers.) My grandmother, unwilling to designate a new matrairch that might carry on the tradition, labeled me as unsuitable. I went from being quite valuable in my family to a nearly worthless status.
I would like to make an aside here -- this is what happens to boy children in my family. When they reach the age of twelve, they magically lose all their status and become sort of... unimportant. This is what happened to me. Then I had a miscarriage and a lot fo things, and became depressed.... and suddenly I was eligible again. I was not worthless as presumed!
To this, I can only say one thing: Bugger it. I don't care anymore, and I can't be made to care ever again.
I bring all of this to highlight something. A maternal cousin of mine does not have friends, has esoteric pursuits, does not care who likes him (or at least professes this veiwpoint) and in general is considered a loner. No one cares to examine why this is or do anything about it.
I ask again, why doesn't anyone notice?
Because, my cousin is a he. And HE is not important. I was not important when I was losing myself. My families' focus on a few key members and the rest are expected to be support for their whims and their pursuits. However, those key people are given all the tools and all the energy to bloom, and bloom beautifully. And there's not much left over the rest of us, and we either have to make our own way as Other. (at which, we typically fail because so much of our energy ALSO goes into making one or two people successful.)
Again, bugger it. That's not right, and it's never going to be.
I'm going to be Happy Other. I have no skills to rely on -- I've always had a support role, my family will likely rebel, not knowing why. I'm sure I'll make some people unhappy. Very unhappy. I might fail, because I haven't the slightest idea what I need to be doing, but I'm going to try.
I'll talk to my Dad on his birthday. He's the only person in my family that I'm sure understands what it is to be Worthless Other. | 
